bitchet: actors as ship icon (♥ | They balance each other)
My Graceless Heart ([personal profile] bitchet) wrote2014-02-01 10:14 pm

I've been afraid of changing

So, yes, the reason I dropped out of sight for six weeks was because of Roxie. Sometime in December she stopped eating dog food, only human food would do. That lasted for a while with her eating less and less and then three days ago, she stopped eating and walking altogether. I've known since Christmas it was coming and actually figured she wouldn't make it past January but I still hoped. That sounds silly but if you had known Roxie, if you saw how determined she was to get up and walk after each fall and how she even stubbornly insisted on dragging herself/slithering around at the end, you might understand. If it were just a matter of will, she would have lived a hundred more years.

(Seriously, I've never seen a dog slither before but she was doing it. It was heartbreaking and hilarious and oh so Roxie.)

So as long as she wanted to hang on, I hung on. But, at the end, when all she did was sleep and she couldn't hold her head up, I knew it was time. Past time. So I made a call last night to the same shelter I got her at two decades ago. I brought her in this morning and it went very quickly, more so than I had even expected. I stayed with her till the end, there was no other option for me.

Afterwards, I donated some unopened cans of dog food and other things like clean bedding that they could use. I removed everything of hers, donated what I could and threw out the rest. As I told [profile] libbi, I didn't want to be crying over the dog aspirin in the the medicine cabinet later. I didn't keep her remains. I debated over that but I don't even visit my father's grave and when I die I want to be cremated and turned into one of those tree things. I just don't care about that aspect of death though I respect that others feel differently.

I want another dog eventually. I don't know how realistic that is with me being away from the house 12 hours a day. If I got one, I'd probably get a cat or two as well and I don't know how realistic that arrangement is either. Probably cats first and a dog later. I've decided I'll wait at least a month before I get another pet. Assuming that the Home for Wayward Cats known as my garage doesn't produce anything before then.

I may check out a support group. I haven't decided.

For a second or two, I'll forget and look for her or notice something is missing from a room and realize it's just her that's missing.

+ OMG JKR IS SUCH A TROLL. I don't even know. On some level I'm annoyed and doing the kind of armchair psychoanalyzing of her that would make a Snapefen proud. (Like oh, her husband is like Harry and H/G are soulmates but when she was newly-divorced she wrote about her self-insert ending up with her bff whom she based off of her childhood bff? OK NOW.) And I really doubt she will actually say anything about regretting Ron/Hermione just how she wrote them (because they were kind of crap around HBP) and not that H/Hr is endgame but that they're so similar being up their own asses with their savior complexes and all but they need someone like Ginny and Ron because they help them get out of their heads or blah blah blah whatever.

If she actually does think it was a mistake, I'm totally blaming Kloves. And her stupid insistence on prioritizing movie canon over book canon. Hermione punched Draco? Lycanthropy isn't about mental illness but now it's about AIDS even though you made the character straight? Non-existent Ginny in book 7 along with Luna's stagnant characterization in that same book and Ron going backwards? Okay.

But bless her trolly ways, she gave me the most fun I've had in days.

+ So... now that R/Hr is the underdog ship that is unfairly bashed by its creator, fandom will stick to its contrary ways and start writing more R/Hr right? Right?


+ I have a couple of fics I meant to finish but dog-related things came up. Honestly, that last month I decided anything that wasn't related to work wasn't necessary and I would spend all my time with Roxie. I don't regret it. But I was a total flake on [community profile] smutty_claus both as a writer and a recipient and I actually wrote apologies to both the person who wrote for me and my giftee for my crappy ways. [personal profile] drcjsnider already knows she's getting a Draco/Rose (with some other pairings she may find interesting) as an apology. I couldn't write it for [community profile] smutty_claus because it was very obviously a sequel to another fic and there was no way around that.

And with this news, I may also write that smutty Ron/Hermione idea that's been rolling around in my head for a while.

+ Seriously though, check out [personal profile] idea_of_sarcasm's Draco/Asteria fic A Potion by Any Other Name.

"I want to help you."

Asteria was well and truly disconcerted, "With what?"

"With Draco." With that, Pansy tossed the vial at her, and in her slightly less than cognizant state she had to desperately fumble around five times to finally catch it, even if it was barely clasped between her fingers when she was done.

"He loves me," Pansy said simply, as if it was a matter of fact and not a simple matter of hubris, "no matter what else has changed, he still loves me. But I'm not quite right, for him, for his family – rather, my reputation isn't, my lack of family galleons isn't. It's what he proposed to you for, you know, for all that. You have those things, but breeding as well so he doesn't have to put up with something as uncouth as a Weasley. It's not said to be cruel Asteria, but to clarify."

Leave her some love. It's awesome and deserves it.

+ Assuming it was prompted, which is a big if, I hope to see lots of defiant Ron/Hermione for the 15th porn battle. Don't let me down again, fandom!
in_the_blue: (narcissa)

[personal profile] in_the_blue 2014-02-02 04:52 am (UTC)(link)
I'm sorry to hear about Roxie. There's really nothing else to say about that.

JKR... I don't even know what to say. The books are the books and no one's going to go and change them, so regretting what she did in a public way is pretty pointless. I'm sure every author has regrets about something in their stories, but who cares. It's too late for that.
in_the_blue: (laharl)

[personal profile] in_the_blue 2014-02-02 08:41 pm (UTC)(link)
Also, I find the ongoing nitpicking boring, and it belittles what she finished writing seven or nine years ago (given the lag from writing to publication). This whole kind of thing, whether or not it's just pandering to fandom ("like me! I want to have done the popular thing!") or something else, kind of makes me lose respect for the author. Stand by what you wrote. You can't change it.

There's not a thing that says Hermione and Ron couldn't have been happy, or that Harry and Hermione would have been. Someone's been reading way too much fanfic, I think.
aberration: Pabu from LoK taking a nap next to an old-fashioned radio. (and I have a key)

[personal profile] aberration 2014-02-02 04:06 pm (UTC)(link)
I'm really sorry about Roxie. That's a shitty thing to go through, even when you know it's probably coming. I hope you feel better soon.

With regard to JKR... tbh too much of my armchair psychoanalyzing is ending in "in conclusion: classism," so I'd rather not even. I mean, if she thinks Hermione's better off with someone who makes her afraid when he yells at her and barely speaks to her when they're alone... okay? But this idea of Ron never being able to overcome his "inadequacy" so to speak makes me... super uncomfortable. Weirdly, though, I'm sort of appreciating the disconnect it's affording me with the series atm.
Edited 2014-02-02 16:07 (UTC)
moon_was_ours: (Arrow | Thea Queen)

[personal profile] moon_was_ours 2014-02-06 07:18 am (UTC)(link)
So as long as she wanted to hang on, I hung on.

B, I started sobbing when I read this.

*hugs you* I'm so sorry.